Step one, find yourself.

As I write this, a campus tour is coming through my room. My roommate and I signed to have or room shown during these tours. Sure, it is a little annoying when I'm in the middle of changing or if I have a friend over, but overall, it's pretty fun. Especially when slightly more conservative parents come in and I'm wearing boy's basketball shorts, a guy's button down dress shirt and there is a guy still asleep on my bed. Nothing happened, but hah, they don't know that.

There is actually a point to this post. Today, just a normal day really, held a rather important idea for me. When I woke up this morning, to an instant message from a guy I was "talking" (like dating without the title) to in high school, saying that he still thought about me all the time and that he was sorry about how things ended. How did things end? He joined the air force, told me that he'd visit me soon, and then I saw that he was in a relationship with one of my friends about two months later. How did things end? He broke my heart, that's how.

So what I did was IM him back and told him that I was willing to try to be friends with him again. He IMed me back straight away after that, saying that that was glad to have a second chance. To this, I responded that although I was willing to try o be friends, I would never let myself get played again, like he had done. He didn't respond to that. I let myself smile a little as I signed off of Yahoo. It seems that although he started the game, I won. I won...

In high school, I didn't have many romantic interests. Generally because I was too busy with school and because all the guys I knew, I either saw as a brother or were too immature for me to deal with. So high school, sure, I had a few boyfriends. One was actually mildly serious. But they all ended, either in good or bad graces. I only regret one of those relationships and after my friends got done with him, he regretted it more than I did.

This is my body
And I live in it
It's 18
And 7 months old
It's changed a lot since it was new
It's done stuff it wasn't built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

I know that my body is not at an ideal weight and that I have a little extra on me. For the longest time, I was so self-conscience about my weight that I actually became depressed. Sometime starting in high school, maybe my Junior year, and stretching on to today, I've become more comfortable with myself. Okay, I don't wear mini-skirts and tube tops and I don't even own a bathing suit. But I don't shy away from wearing skirts or cute tops and I've stopped standing with my arms wrapped around my middle.

For the longest time (we can blame bullies or the media or my mind), I found myself very... very... very unattractive. Whenever my family or friends told me that I was pretty, I would smile and nod but believe that they had to say that. During my Senior year of high school, during the summer, and now during college, I've come to appreciate the beauty that I do have. My appearance is pretty (most days), but my insides are down right beautiful. And to me, that matters more.

Someone asked me today if I was a lesbian. My response was just to laugh and walk away. I, personally, am not a lesbian. Do I have problems with homosexuality? Of course not! It's how you love, not who you love. I was asked this, I guess, because my Facebook relationship status is 'In an Open Relationship with Maddie'. Does this mean that I'm a lesbian? Haha, of course not. Maddie and I are best friends, and it is a joke since we're both technically off of the market.

At this point, this post is too long and too rambling for me to continue with the little breakdowns of who I am. More in the next post (which will most likely be tonight, actually). I'll definitely highlight my high school life, promise promise.